Chapter 22: I'm Not Like You

A wound rubbed in with salt. 
History grows more human.
Truth is misunderstood.
Christina tries to make a friend.

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Day 58
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The next morning was rather rushed. Everyone was up early to get ready to leave. The only person who wasn't preparing to depart was Cynthia's teacher, Anders, and that was because he had already left, saying goodbye to Cynthia in private before heading off. I wasn't sure if something about last night had changed anything, or if my guardians were just once again too busy to focus on me, but I was asked to sit on one of the small benches out in the great hall near where our bags were piled up. All the while Cynthia, Lena, and Rowan each went about preparing themselves to leave in their own way. Fortunately, Oliver seemed ready to leave and was able to keep me company, sitting down with me, occasionally making small jokes. If I had been in a better place it probably would have been much nicer. But after last night, I couldn't bring myself to look at him.

Though it wasn't long before his company became tragically unfortunate. Cynthia strolled into the great hall looking driven. She beelined right for us both, looking at me, though it was probably more accurate to say she was looking through me. I could tell by her energy that she wanted something of me, and I was instantly worried. 

"Christina, we'll be leaving soon. Do you have everything ready?" She asked, simply enough as she drew close.

I gave my guardian an anxious nod. "Uh huh, I'm all ready, I promise."

I was expecting some kind of doubt from Cynthia, after all it would have been par for the course. Instead she nodded to me, but even before she continued I could tell that she wasn't quite done. "Good. And you got yourself changed, yes? Show me." She demanded, nodding to my skirt.

My face exploded red, as suddenly I was extremely aware of Oliver's proximity sitting right next to me. My hands rushed to the edges of my skirt, pulling them down instinctively as if to protect myself from Cynthia reaching to expose my diaper herself. I was of course wearing a diaper again, for the same reason as when we left from home on our trip here. Lena had told me that I needed to get myself changed as soon as I woke up, why did Cynthia need to see it now? 

"I- . . . I am, changed . . . you don't need to see, I promise." I whimpered. I couldn't believe she was doing this, alone at home, sure, but here? Right next to Oliver? It was like she was trying to mortify me.

Cynthia looked unimpressed, and I could tell my pathetic stature did nothing. But at the same time, I thought I saw her eyes shift. "Don't argue with me, Chrissy. Do you really want to get in more trouble right now?"

To my slight surprise, even Oliver gave a small look of support. "Is this really necessary right now, Cynthia? I mean, I don't think she'd just lie to you."

Cynthia then shot Oliver a warning. "Not now, Oliver." She simply put before turning back to me. "Lena wants to make sure. Up, now."

Something knowing glanced over Oliver's face, before he held up his palms and gave way, leaving me to Cynthia's devices. Looking at Cynthia, I realized she was very quickly getting impatient. I hated it so much, but Cynthia was right. I had no idea what the long term ramifications would be for my actions last night, but I knew I didn't want to make it worse. On top of that, with every second that passed, I could feel my shame rising inside of me. Cynthia expected me to be good, and I was slowly but surely disappointing her.

I buried my head in the crook of my elbow to hide my face and pulled my skirt up to show the pink and white diaper underneath. Why couldn't I have done this in private? Why did she have to come out and make me do it here? Oliver could see me, and I had no idea what kind of view the servants and attendants walking around were suddenly getting. I refused to uncover my eyes in order to find those answers out.

Somehow, Cynthia still wasn't satisfied. With my eyes still covered I felt her grab the edge of my skirt and pull it up even further, clearly I wasn't exposed enough as it was. Thankfully after a moment I felt her drop it, and I scrambled with both hands to pull my skirt back over me as fast as possible.

"Thank you, Chrissy. Wait here with Oliver. The rest of us will be ready soon, and then we'll be heading right out." She said plainly, before returning the way she came.

My face was so red hot it felt like I was nearly sweating. I turned over towards Oliver, who even tried to offer me a supportive smile, but even that was too much for me. I buried my head in my hands out of shame. I had no idea what he saw of me, but I hated even thinking about it. 

"Hey, you're okay. There's nothing to be embarrassed about, I promise." Oliver tried to reassure me. It was a hilarious lie, but I appreciated him trying regardless.

"I know that you probably haven't seen anything like this back home, but actually here . . . I've seen it once or twice before. It's more common than you might think, honestly." 

'What?' 

I lowered my hands and looked over to Oliver next to me. I had no idea what he was talking about. Did other wards get treated like this? Why? I didn't understand.

Oliver didn't fully answer my questions, but instead seemed to use his previous thoughts as a staging ground for something else. "Families come from all sorts of strange places. Aiden, Elizabeth, and Morgan are one, even Cynthia with Lena and Rowan. Being born to something, that doesn't always mean that's your only family."

I tilted my head at him and mustered up the courage to press further, wanting to see where this goes. "What do you mean?" 

Oliver smiled at me, seemingly glad to have gotten me out of my shell. "Have you ever heard how Cynthia became such good friends with your- . . . I mean with Lena?" He caught himself.

I wasn't exactly sure what word he stumbled on, but I also was much more interested in the topic at hand than to be distracted by what was probably nothing. "No, I haven't."

Oliver smiled at me. "Well, since we have some time, let me regale you." He cleared his throat and started on a tale.

"A long time ago, Cynthia was young, even younger than you are now . . . well, mostly. Anyway, Cynthia learned that she was one of the few people with a talent for magic, and not just that. She had a very special talent for magic." 

So far none of this was news to me. I had gathered from context clues that Cynthia was in some way a rather distinguished sorceress. But I kept patient anyway.

"As Cynthia learned to harness these abilities . . . well, her family grew to resent her, paranoid and hateful of the beautiful things she could do. It's not my place to say all that went down, but she was told she couldn't continue to use her powers, and be part of their family. She had to choose between them."

Oliver's words slowly dawned on me. I thought back to Cynthia in nearly every interaction I'd ever had with her, I could honestly understand their sense of paranoia. But still, to disown their own daughter because of it . . . why would they do that? More importantly, here she was, still using magic today. Why didn't she just stop?

"And as I'm sure you can guess, she decided to leave. She couldn't just refuse who she was, weaving the Arkane, that was part of her. So she set off alone to learn magic at the academies herself." Oliver shared. I could tell he had more feelings on the matter than he was letting on.

"But, that was only until she met Lena. Lena was also learning to be a diplomat at the time, only a year into her marriage with Rowan, and they met during a time when Cynthia was struggling to make ends meet paying for her education." 

Part of me wondered what exactly the timeline was for all of this. How young were my guardians when they first met? How old was Lena when she married Rowan? I only now wondered how Lena and Rowan even met. I was realizing just how little I knew about these people who shared with me their home.

"As I'm sure you've noticed, Lena and Cynthia got on like a house on fire and quickly became the closest of friends. It wasn't long after that Lena offered to pay for Cynthia's education, on the condition that she come live with them. In reality, it was just an excuse for Cynthia to become part of her and Rowan's family."

A smile started to form on Oliver's lips, and I thought I saw the faintest colour in his cheeks, even if the smile was almost sad as it reached his eyes. "It was just after this that I met Lena myself, and in turn I met Cynthia."

I wasn't blind. I had seen the way Cynthia had reacted when she first saw him on our way here a few days ago, and how she had a hard time not smiling at every interaction after. There was obviously something between them, but . . . something neither allowed themselves to act upon. Cynthia, seemingly more so.

"Oliver, were you and Cynthia ever together?" I asked. I honestly don't even know how I had the courage. Maybe it was because none of my other guardians were here, or maybe it was just because of this moment here with Oliver and the way he treated me. I felt okay.

Oliver looked off into the distance with a pained smile. Pained, yet full of joy. "We were once, but not anymore." 

From the way he spoke, I had a feeling Cynthia was the one who ended things. It made sense, the way he casually looked at her, while she forced herself not to look back. It almost raised more questions to be honest. Oliver was so kind, respectful, funny. His presence had never failed to comfort me, and honestly he was the first Silencian that I didn't hate right away. How did he end up with Cynthia? She was one of the coldest, scariest, meanest people I had the displeasure of knowing. What did he see in her? 

Oliver saw the bewildered look in my eye. "You don't know her like I do." He said, responding to my thoughts. "She doesn't let many people see it, but she's one of the most caring souls I've ever known."

'Caring must have a different meaning in Silencia.'

I wanted to ask more questions, but I decided to leave it. I suspected Oliver didn't want to retell that history, and even if he did, I feared what Cynthia might do to me if she found out.

But in that moment, something else took hold of my attention. In the near distance of the great hall, I saw Aiden walking by. My eyes widened. We would be leaving soon, and he was the only other person I could talk to that was remotely in the same situation as me. I had to take this chance while I had it.

"I'll be right back!" I yelped as I jumped from my seat, sprinting in Aiden's direction. I heard Oliver chuckle as I did.

Catching up with Aiden, I slowed my pace as I drew near. I didn't want to seem entirely unhinged. Thankfully he seemed not to notice me at first. But then even as I drew closer and closer, he paid me no mind. "Aiden?" I called out to him, assuming that my steps would have given me away before this. "Aiden!" I yelled one last time as I pulled myself in lockstep with him as he continued on his path.

The other ward finally looked over to me, not with surprise as I had expected considering his lack of acknowledgement, but rather with . . . disgust? He looked at me like he'd rather be anywhere but here. 

I was . . . confused by the look. Though I vaguely remembered a similar look last night? It was kinda fuzzy . . . and I didn't want to think about it. But he was a ward too, surely he would understand, right? His guardians must have put him through the same kind of hell too, didn't they?

"Hi . . . Sorry, we didn't really get a chance to talk much yesterday and . . . well, you're just the only other ward that I know. I guess it's just nice to meet another person in the same situation as me." I tried to say casually, hoping it might start some casual conversation. I wasn't expecting what happened next.

Aiden recoiled at my words, taking a step away from me and refusing to meet my eyes. "We are not the same." He said, coldly.

Part of me froze up, and something within the back of my head switched. It wasn't that faint warm buzz that had happened to me before, this was something more . . . cold. 

I felt his disappointment in me. I didn't even know how, but I could feel that somehow I had upset him, and that it was my fault. Tears started to well in my eyes as I struggled to contain my emotions. "W-what did I do?" I tried to ask, my voice faltering. I couldn't believe myself. Here I was again, on the verge of tears all because a dumb boy got snippy with me. I was pathetic. I couldn't do anything right. Maybe I did deserve-

"What? No, no-no-no . . . here, just calm down. It's okay, I promise." Said Aiden, his tone suddenly shifting to something far more kind. But as the cold feeling in the base of my skull quickly faded away, I saw him looking around worried. I realized he just didn't want to get in trouble for upsetting me.

But then my own eyes glazed over for a moment. What had just happened? This boy had done nearly nothing, and it had almost brought me to tears. Was I that fragile? What was wrong with me?

Aiden, looking frustrated and flustered, tried to continue. "Look, it's not that . . . People like you . . . I just want to . . ." He stammered, clearly failing to find his words, before groaning frustratedly and pacing in a circle. For a moment I was afraid he was just going to continue to walk away. But after facing away from me for a moment he turned back. "Look . . . it's just frustrating. Seeing stuff like what happened last night, all it does is remind me how much power they really have over people like you and me. I'd honestly just rather not think about that."

I looked at him, confused. Remind him? Every waking moment was a reminder for me. How did he get to escape it? 

Part of me wanted to ask so many questions, but Aiden took a breath in and continued. "The Highcastles have been good to me. Hell, I even took their last name. And I get that some wards never want to leave their wardship . . ." 

'What??'

 "But, I want to eventually get back to where I need to be one day. Get out of my wardship. And no offence, but . . ." Aiden took a deep breath in before finally giving me the courtesy of looking directly at me. "I don't want to be one of the ones that end up like you." 

I froze, completely unable to comprehend the information given to me. But in those moments, I seemed to have lost any chance for clarification. Aiden then turned away to continue the way he was going. Only calling over one last time. "Safe travels? I hope you enjoy getting what you want." He said, before walking off.

I was reeling from so much information so fast. 'Some wards never want to leave' How on the Gods earth was that true? Who in their right mind wanted to stay in a place like this forever? And what did he mean, 'one of the ones that end up like you'? Was I that different? Was I that much worse?

Did he think that this was what I really wanted? 

I thought back to last night, the way that I had chosen to stay and suck on that pacifier rather than be left alone, that I had clung to Lena's hand during the entire rest of the night until I basically fell asleep at the table in some kind of trance. How nice it had finally been to just . . . let go. Let Lena worry about everything.

Was this what I really wanted?

I shook myself out of that line of thinking. No, of course not. It didn't matter how they treated me, I wasn't their toy. I wasn't their doll. I wasn't a baby. I'm not a baby. 

I looked back at Aiden as he grew further and further away. I honestly thought I would feel better about having known someone with some kind of shared struggle, but now instead I only felt more defeated in the face of my powerlessness. 

I heard the sound of someone's footsteps on the marble floors behind me in the great hall, and instinctively I bolted back towards Oliver, not wanting to be seen away from where I was asked to stay. The last thing I needed was Cynthia bringing back the magic leash. And as I ran I once again felt the extra bulk of my diaper rub between my legs.