Laying on the black, leather two-seater couch in the living room, my head rested on one arm of the couch while my feet dangled over the other. I was exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally. The couch, though a symbol of rest, felt like it was conflicting with the turmoil brewing inside me. Its soft, cool surface under my skin did little to soothe the inner chaos that Clivilius had unleashed within me.
My eyes closed gently, but the darkness behind my eyelids was anything but peaceful. Harrowing images of the last forty-eight hours swirled around in my mind, each one a vivid reminder of the relentless demands of Clivilius. It sucked every last drop of energy I thought I had, leaving me drained, a mere husk of my former self.
It's almost taken Jamie's life. The thought echoed in my mind, a relentless drumbeat of guilt and fear. Jamie, with his unwavering spirit and resilience, now vulnerable and on the brink. The scarcity that plagued Clivilius was merciless—limited shelter, scarce food, and inadequate clothing.
For a brief moment, I felt a pang of guilt tug at my heart. It was a heavy, suffocating feeling, one that seemed to constrict my chest and make the air in the room feel thicker. How can I lay in comfort while those I care about are suffering? The question was a sharp sting, a poignant reminder of the disparities that existed between the worlds we inhabited.
"There has to be a better way, Clivilius," I muttered, my voice barely above a whisper.
A solid knock resonated at the front door, jolting me awake. My eyes snapped open, startled from the depth of an unplanned slumber. The girls already? The thought flickered through my mind, mingling with a haze of confusion as I realised the room was enveloped in darkness. Where the hell has the day gone!? I lamented internally, a tinge of annoyance lacing my thoughts. I had succumbed to the couch's embrace, not anticipating the quick passage of time.
The sharp knock echoed once more, more insistent this time. A groan escaped my lips, slightly louder, filled with the weariness that clung to my bones. With a sluggish motion, I rubbed at my eyes, trying to dispel the remnants of sleep. The couch had been my unintended sanctuary, but now it seemed like a trap, holding me in its comfortable grasp.
Reluctantly, I rolled off the couch, my body protesting the sudden movement. I landed on the floor with a thud, a jarring connection that sent a ripple of discomfort through me. Gladys has her own key, why can't she just let herself in? I grumbled to myself, a mix of irritation and confusion swirling in my head. It was unlike her to knock, to wait for me to answer when she could easily let herself in.
Gathering my wits, I picked myself up off the floor, my movements sluggish, as if I were moving through molasses. The living room light switch was my first target, its familiar shape a beacon in the dimness. My hand brushed against it, flooding the room with light, chasing away the shadows that had settled during my unintended nap.
Next came the front entry light, followed by the outside light, each flick of a switch bringing more of my surroundings into stark relief. The familiar setting of my home came into view, each object a testament to the life I led, to the choices I'd made.
As I approached the front door, a sense of trepidation crept in. My hands, not quite steady, fumbled with the locks. The metallic clinks and clatters seemed overly loud in the quiet of the evening. Finally, the door yielded under my efforts, swinging open widely to reveal what—or who—awaited me on the other side.
"Cody, what are you doing here?" The words tumbled out of my mouth, my expression morphing into a frown of displeasure. Cody's unexpected presence threw me off balance; he was an unanticipated variable in what I had hoped would be a straightforward evening. He wasn't supposed to be here tonight, and a part of me bristled at the deviation from the plan.
"Gladys invited me to come along," he responded, his smile brief, as if he sensed my reluctance to welcome him. His presence, uninvited by me yet sanctioned by Gladys, created a ripple in the calm I had anticipated for the evening.
"Oh," was all I could muster, a bland acknowledgment that masked a blend of thoughts. Of course, she did. The thought echoed with a mix of resignation and annoyance. "Come on in," I added, more out of obligation than genuine hospitality, widening the door to allow him entry into the sanctuary of my home.
"I've brought the whiskey," Cody announced, a note of pride in his voice as he brandished a brown paper bag. The sight of it, the casual way he introduced it into the evening's equation, felt jarring.
"Whiskey? What for?" My voice laced with confusion and a hint of apprehension.
"For the farewell," Cody replied, his tone carrying a weight that settled heavily in the room. The word 'farewell' hung in the air, a poignant reminder of the night's true purpose.
I stared at him, my mind grappling with the shift in atmosphere. Cody, oblivious to my internal turmoil, proceeded to the kitchen, the whiskey bottle now in plain view as he placed it on the island bench.
"I've always toasted a shot of whiskey at memorials," he explained, his voice steady, revealing a personal tradition amidst the casualness of his actions.
"Why?" The question slipped out, driven by a mix of curiosity and an attempt to understand his perspective, to find some grounding in this unexpected turn of events.
Cody, now fully in his element, opened the cupboard above the range hood as if he were in his own home. "You know," he began, a thoughtful expression crossing his face, "I don't have the foggiest idea." His admission, candid and a bit whimsical, didn't mask the solemnity that underpinned his ritual.
"They're in the far cupboard, on the top shelf," I directed him, my voice a mix of resignation and a newfound acceptance. As I watched him navigate my kitchen, a space so familiar to me yet now cast in a different light by his presence and the whiskey's silent promise, I felt a subtle shift within me. The evening was evolving into something unexpected, a blend of farewell and remembrance, tinged with the stark honesty that only such occasions can evoke.
The top cupboard creaked slightly as it swung open, a sound that momentarily filled the kitchen's silence. "Thanks," Cody acknowledged, his focus on the task as he placed the first two shot glasses on the cold, hard surface of the bench. He reached up again, his frame stretching to retrieve another pair, his movements methodical, almost ritualistic in their precision.
"Where are Gladys and Beatrix?" I probed, my curiosity piqued. It was unusual for them to be separate, especially at a time like this. "I'm surprised they didn't come with you." My tone carried a hint of suspicion, a subtle nudge for a more substantial explanation.
Cody's avoidance was palpable; he busied himself with the whiskey bottle, perhaps too keen to sidestep my probing eyes. "I prefer to travel alone," he stated, his voice steady but his eyes betraying a flicker of evasion as he twisted the cap off the whiskey bottle. "I'm sure they're not far away." His assurance did little to quell my curiosity, but the conversation was momentarily shelved as he filled all four shot glasses to the brim, the amber liquid catching the light in a way that seemed almost sombre.
My gaze swept the room, confirming our solitude. "So, you're a Guardian then?" The question leaped out, blunt and loaded with unspoken implications. It was a direct probe into his role, into the dynamics that had been left unanswered between us.
"Here," Cody interrupted, sliding a shot glass across the bench toward me. The sound of glass on stone punctuated the moment, a distraction from the heavier conversation at hand. He then picked up a glass for himself, his actions a silent invitation to defer the probing for another time.
"You're not waiting for the others?" I queried, my eyes narrowing slightly.
"It's been a tough week," he conceded, his grip on the glass almost a refuge, a way to anchor himself amidst the turmoil. His readiness to toast, to find solace in this small act, spoke volumes.
"Indeed," I murmured, the word barely escaping my lips. My mind raced with the events of the past few days, a tumultuous cascade that Cody was only partially aware of. If only he knew the depth of what had transpired, the weight that these few days had pressed upon my shoulders. But for now, the acknowledgment of shared hardship, the silent understanding that we were both grappling with our own storms, would have to suffice. The clink of glass against glass would be our temporary reprieve, a brief moment of unity.
"Oh, Luke," Cody replied, his voice imbued with a solemnity that sent a chill down my spine. "You have no idea. This is only the start." His words, heavy with an ominous undertone, echoed in the silence, amplifying the tension that already hung in the air.
My pulse quickened, a visceral reaction to the implications of his statement. A deep, unsettling feeling stirred within me, a recognition that Cody's words were not just casual commentary but a harbinger of challenges yet to come. "Well," I managed to say, my voice steadier than I felt, as I lifted my shot of whiskey in a semblance of a toast. "Here's to tough weeks." The words felt like a feeble attempt to lighten the mood, but they carried a weight, acknowledging the shared understanding of difficulties faced and those looming on the horizon.
Cody nodded, his expression mirroring the seriousness of the moment. Our glasses clinked, a sound that was usually associated with celebration but now seemed more like a mutual acknowledgment of the trials we were bracing ourselves against.
"Shit," the expletive slipped out as the whiskey's potent burn caught me off guard, the liquid searing its way down my throat. I nearly fumbled the glass, the intensity of the alcohol momentarily overwhelming my senses. "That's some strong liquor," I remarked, the warmth spreading through my chest.
"But totally worth it," Cody responded, his grin broadening, a slight juxtaposition to the solemnity of our previous exchange. His ease in refilling his glass, as if to brace himself for what was ahead, didn't go unnoticed.
"Totally," I echoed, sliding my glass back across the bench toward him. Despite the foreboding implications of our conversation, there was a sense of camaraderie in this small act, a shared resolve to face whatever was coming. The whiskey, potent and fiery, became a symbol of our fortitude, a tacit pact sealed in the amber liquid that we hoped would steel us against the uncertain and possibly tumultuous times ahead.
"Hey," I interjected, my gaze fixed on Cody as he meticulously refilled his glass, each motion deliberate and practiced. The amber liquid cascaded into the glass, a testament to his unwavering focus. "You didn't answer my question." My tone was light, yet the undercurrent of genuine curiosity was unmistakable. There was a part of me that needed to understand, to glean some insight into his earlier evasiveness.
"Oh," Cody responded, his grin taking on a mischievous quality as he paused to meet my gaze. "Didn't I?" His words were playful, yet they danced around the inquiry, an artful dodge that was both frustrating and endearing.
Despite the serious undertones of our conversation, I couldn't suppress a smile. Cody's demeanour, the way those small dimples appeared on his cheeks, had a disarming effect. I guess no answer is an answer, I mused internally, acknowledging the complexity of our situation where words often fell short.
"To Guardians!" I proclaimed, a surge of camaraderie swelling within me. It was a toast not just to us, but to all who shared our commitment, our burdens.
"I'll drink to that," Cody echoed, his voice carrying a note of solidarity. Our glasses met in a gentle clink, a sound that seemed to resonate with more than just the clashing of glass—a symbol of our shared resolve.
As the whiskey once again met my lips, the familiar warmth spread through me. I tilted my head back, the liquid's path marked by a burning trail, a fiery reminder of the potency of our pledge and the strength required to honour it. The whiskey's heat mirrored the intensity of our lives as Guardians, filled with moments of searing challenges and the warmth of shared bonds.
The front door's familiar squeak cut through the air, startling me out of the momentary camaraderie that Cody and I had shared. Two voices, unmistakably Gladys's and Beatrix's, harmonised in a greeting that felt both warm and accusatory, "Hey, Luke!" Their entrance was like a gust of wind, changing the room's atmosphere instantaneously.
My reaction was almost comical, the empty shot glass slipping from my slightly numb fingers to land with a resounding clatter on the stone bench, an audible testament to my surprise. The sound seemed to echo, a reminder of the evening's escalating unpredictability.
"You two couldn't even wait for us!" Gladys's exclamation carried a mix of mock outrage and genuine disappointment, her words tinged with the kind of familiarity that only comes from deep connections.
"How rude," Beatrix chimed in, her tone playful yet carrying an undercurrent of rebuke. Their presence filled the kitchen, their energy contrasting with the sombre mood that had just begun to lift.
"I was just cheering Luke up," Cody defended, his voice a blend of jest and sincerity. His intervention felt like a bridge between my solitary struggles and the collective experience we were all part of.
"I'm sure," Gladys retorted, her sarcasm slicing through the air, yet her eyes held a glimmer of concern that belied her teasing words.
As I collected my glass, aligning it with the others on the bench, Cody wasted no time in refilling it, his actions a silent gesture of solidarity. The whiskey's golden hue seemed to mirror the complexity of our intertwined lives, each refill a nod to the shared and individual burdens we bore.
"So, how..." Beatrix began, her inquiry hanging in the air, ripe with the anticipation of delving into matters I wasn't ready to unpack.
"I really don't want to talk about it," I interjected, my voice firm yet weary, a barrier raised against the impending tide of conversation I wasn't prepared to face. "I'm really tired." The words were a shield, an attempt to deflect and preserve the fragile composure I clung to.
"Or drunk," Gladys countered, her observation sharp, yet not without a hint of playfulness. Her words were a nudge, a probing into the veneer of fatigue I presented.
"Not yet," I countered, a wry smile tugging at my lips despite the turmoil within. My hand instinctively rubbed my brow, a gesture of contemplation or perhaps confusion, blurring the lines between tiredness and the whiskey's embrace. In that moment, I was caught in the limbo of their expectations and my own complicated thoughts, the evening's unfolding events a dance of camaraderie, evasion, and introspection.
"We've brought the candles," Beatrix announced, her voice a mix of solemnity and purpose as she began to extract an eclectic array of candles from Gladys's overstuffed handbag sprawled on the bench. The candles, with their varying hues and heights, seemed to carry a weight beyond their physical form, each one a bearer of light and remembrance.
With a sense of duty, I rummaged through the kitchen drawers, the clattering of utensils punctuating the air until my fingers closed around the gas lighter. Beatrix, ever efficient, took it from my grasp with a nod of gratitude and set to work, igniting the wicks of the candles they had brought. The flames took to their task eagerly, casting a warm glow that began to fill the room.
"Are you sure you have enough candles?" Cody's chuckle sliced through the growing solemnity, his attempt at levity a somewhat at odds with the mood that Beatrix and Gladys were cultivating.
Beatrix's glare in response to Cody was sharp, a silent reprimand for his timing. "Turn the lights off," she commanded, her voice leaving no room for protest. Cody, recognising the seriousness in her tone, complied, moving to extinguish the artificial lights.
As the last switch clicked, a hush fell over the room, now enveloped in darkness, save for the candlelight's gentle illumination. Shadows danced across the walls and ceiling, transforming the familiar kitchen and living room into a space that felt almost sacred, a sanctuary for the young life we were here to honour.
In this new, flickering light, Cody distributed the shot glasses, his movements measured, almost reverential. The four of us, gathered around the island bench, were united not just by our presence but by the shared understanding of the ceremony we were about to partake in. The glasses, once mere vessels, now held more than just whiskey—they cradled our collective spirit, our experiences, and our resolve to face whatever lay ahead, together in the candlelit semi-darkness.
"Do you have a picture of him?" Beatrix's inquiry sliced through the dimly lit ambiance, her voice tinged with a gentle curiosity and a subtle undercurrent of empathy.
"No," I responded, my head shaking almost imperceptibly in the flickering candlelight. "We only learned about him a few months ago." The words felt heavy, laden with the weight of regret and the sorrow of lost opportunities, the realisation of a connection made too late.
Gladys's expression shifted, her features etching a portrait of solemnity in the soft glow. "Does Jamie know that he is dead yet?" Her question was laced with delicacy.
"No," I repeated, the denial heavier this time, my head shaking more firmly. "And he won't ever find out. Cody took care of it," I added, my gaze lifting to meet Cody's. There was an unspoken gratitude in that glance, an acknowledgment of the burdens we sometimes have to shoulder for one another.
"Yeah," Cody affirmed, his voice a low murmur, his eyes briefly meeting mine before descending to fixate on the line of shot glasses before us. "I took care of it." His words were simple, yet they carried the complexity of our shared realities, the actions taken in the shadows to protect, to shield.
"It's so sad," Beatrix murmured, her sentiment echoing the collective melancholy that had seeped into the room. "He looked so young."
"He was," I affirmed. "He was only nineteen." The fact was a sharp sting, a reminder of the fragility of life and the cruelty of its premature end.
"Tragic," Gladys interjected, her finger delicately dabbing at her eye, a silent testament to the sorrow that touched us all.
Compelled by a shared need to honour the young life lost, I grasped my shot glass, lifting it into the air, a beacon amidst the shadow play of candlelight. The others followed, a silent chorus of solidarity. A lump formed in my throat, an unexpected guest amid the unfolding ritual. The emotions swirling within me were a surprise, a testament to the unseen bonds that tragedy can forge.
"What do we say?" Gladys's voice broke the brief silence, her words reflecting our collective uncertainty. "We never really knew him."
"You say whatever is in your heart to say," Cody's response was a beacon, guiding us through the murky waters of our sentiments. His suggestion was an invitation to speak from the soul, to give voice to whatever stirrings of compassion, regret, or solidarity we harboured within.
In that moment, surrounded by the soft luminescence of candlelight and the shared spirit of our gathering, we stood united in our individual reflections, poised to release our unspoken tributes into the ether, a homage to a soul departed too soon, a life we scarcely knew, yet mourned deeply in the camaraderie of our collective humanity.
"I'll go first," Beatrix declared, her voice a blend of resolve and vulnerability as she reached for her shot glass. Her lips parted, an intention to speak clear, yet the words hesitated, lingering on the edge of silence as if grappling with the depth of the moment.
In that pause, I found myself teetering on the brink of intervening, to perhaps offer some solace or bridge the gap her silence had created. Yet, before I could translate thought into action, Beatrix leaned in, her presence close, intimate in the shared quiet of our gathering. "What's his name?" she whispered, a query laden with the need for personal connection, for a name to anchor the abstract sorrow we were all enveloped in.
"Joel," I replied, my voice a hushed echo in the candlelit room. The name felt like a weight, a single word carrying the entirety of a lost potential, a life not lived.
"Joel," Beatrix echoed, her tone now steady, imbued with a newfound strength. "We never had the chance to know you. But we love Jamie. And you are his blood." Her words wove a thread of connection, binding us to the boy, to Jamie, to each other. Her voice wavered, a tremor of emotion betraying the depth of her empathy.
In that moment, with my eyes shut, the world pared down to the timbre of Beatrix's voice, I saw Jamie's face, not as a memory, but as a vivid presence, an ache of love and loss intertwined.
"And so, we love you too," Beatrix concluded, her tribute a bridge of affection extending beyond the confines of our known relationships, reaching out to embrace Joel in his absence.
A tear escaped, tracing a solitary path down my cheek. A silent question arose within me, haunting in its simplicity—Does Jamie still love me at all? It lingered, unanswered, a ghostly whisper amidst the tangible outpouring of our current expressions of grief and solidarity.
"To Jamie's son," Beatrix's voice called us back, a rallying cry to commemorate a bond, albeit unseen, deeply felt.
"To Jamie's son," I echoed, my voice threading through the quiet, a vocal affirmation of our collective acknowledgment and remembrance.
With a shared solemnity, we raised our glasses, a silent toast to a young life intertwined with ours through the threads of love and tragedy. The whiskey burned, a sharp contrast to the cool trail of my tear, a physical anchor to the emotional tumult within. Glasses clinked softly against the bench as we set them down, another note in the symphony of our shared memorial, each of us silently processing the weight of the moment.
Gladys, with a grace born of countless similar moments, collected her glass just as Cody's pouring completed its arc. "Joel," she began, her voice carrying a weight of solemnity, "May your soul one day know your father, and know the good man that he is." Her words, imbued with a poignant blend of hope and sorrow, seemed to linger in the air, a silent prayer for a connection unmade, for recognition beyond the veil of existence.
At her words, a fresh lump materialised in my throat, as if her sentiments had conjured it into being. My vision clouded, a veil of tears forming as the emotional gravity of the moment bore down on me. The sting of those unshed tears marked a poignant reminder of the rawness of our shared grief, the shared humanity that bound us in this ritual of remembrance.
"To Joel," Gladys reiterated, lifting her glass in a gesture that was both a tribute and a benediction. Her movement, though simple, carried the weight of our collective hopes and regrets.
"To Joel," we echoed in unison, our voices merging in a chorus of solidarity and sorrow. The words felt heavier on my tongue this time, laden with Gladys's wish for the boy we were all mourning in our way.
With that, another round of whiskey was consumed. The shot glass felt almost insubstantial in my grasp, a fragile vessel for the potent spirit it contained, much like how we, in our humanity, were vessels for the complex web of emotions and connections that defined our existence.
As the whiskey traced its fiery path down my throat, it seemed to ignite a cascade of reflections within me, thoughts of Joel, of Jamie, of the intricate tapestry of lives and relationships that we were all a part of. The ritual, the words, the shared drink—all were symbols, conduits through which we sought to express the inexpressible, to forge a connection with the absent, to find solace in the shared acknowledgment of our collective experience.
In the hushed reverence of our gathered circle, we all turned our attention to Cody, who, rather than reaching for the whiskey bottle, held his empty glass aloft. The gesture was deliberate, commanding silence and focus. The candlelight cast flickering shadows across his features, lending a solemn intensity to his visage. His eyes, reflecting the dance of the flames, bore a sheen of unshed tears, a window to the storm of emotions swirling within.
"Joel," he began, his voice steady at first, invoking the name we had all come to utter with a mix of reverence and regret. "You met unfortunate circumstances, but..." His words trailed off, a catch in his throat betraying the struggle to maintain composure. "But..." he tried again, the repetition a battle against the tide of emotion threatening to break his resolve.
The moment Cody's gaze locked with mine, a tangible shiver coursed through me. There was something profound, almost unsettling, in his stare, as if he was not just looking at me but through me, connecting on a level beyond the mere physical.
"Death is but a mere process, and when we learn to master that process, we will master death itself," Cody declared, his voice gaining strength, imbued with a conviction that seemed to transcend the sombre context of our gathering. His eyes never wavered from mine, reinforcing the weight of his words, a proclamation that bordered on a vow, a shared aspiration, or perhaps a glimpse into a deeper, esoteric belief he harboured.
As Cody's declaration hung in the air, a palpable silence enveloped us. It was as if his words had cast a spell, leaving us all to ponder the profundity of what had been said, the possibility that lay within the concept of mastering such an absolute, inevitable force.
"To Joel," Cody eventually said, his toast an invocation, his empty glass a symbol not of absence but of potential, of hope.
"To Joel," we echoed, our voices uniting in the affirmation, though the whiskey remained untouched. The resonance of Cody's words lingered, a seed of thought planted in our minds. His talk of mastery over death, a concept so audacious, so fraught with the weight of existential curiosity, left me grappling with a mix of skepticism and wonder.
The hope Cody spoke of burrowed deep, sparking a flame of contemplation within me. Could such a thing truly be within our grasp? Was this the quest Clivilius sought to embark upon—a journey not just for knowledge but for ultimate dominion over life's final frontier? The questions multiplied, each echoing the yearning for understanding, for control over the uncontrollable, a yearning that, perhaps, lay at the very heart of our human experience.
