Kitchenalia Brigade

According to the The Treaty of Monte Carlo, each House is allowed to have five dedicated Literomancer bodyguards. Each bodyguard is allowed to have up to 20 sub-bodyguards under their direct command, which can include up to five other literomancers.   Dame Flubb, in light of the poisoning attempt on the life of Queen Sable, decided to accomplish three important purposes at once: physically guarding the Queen's life, maintaining the safety of her food to prevent the possibility of future poisonings (and considering her lactose and gluten intolerances,) and making sure the often-hyperfocused or distracted Mother of Bunnies, who is known for being oblivious to the needs of her body, actually eats.   Her Security Squad, the Kitchenalia Brigade, are essentially a militia entirely formed of cooks. They are the royal kitchen staff at The Warren, taking personal responsibility for seeing to the Queen's meals and snacks. They personally test all her food themselves, and nothing is allowed to touch anyone else's hands.

Since the Brigade uses kitchen implements as weapons, they have also been known to use them for armour and personal defense. Bert, one of the more visible members of the unit, is known for his literal saucepot helmet. Woks, pots, and frying pans have also been used as shields.

The Kitchenalia Brigade is specifically trained to utilize kitchen implements as weapons. They learn personal combat using knives, rolling pins, and heavy cast-iron frying pans. They are capable of improvising weapons with a pot of hot coffee or a tub of grease. They are also trained in the use of firearms as a last resort, and in the art of Bun Fu. Recently, they have undertaken specialized training in improvising explosives from common kitchen implements and devices.  

Heh heh. Soak parchment paper in fry grease and throw it in a microwave with a ball of aluminum foil. Then stand back and watch the pretty colours.

— Line Cook Juan Sanchez, Kitchenalia Brigade, Night Shift

The Brigade has been officially assigned five armoured food trucks, an armoured catering van, and an armoured delivery big-rig, as well as a restaurant car on the HYLEX Cottontail line. If necessary, they could move the Bunny Queen secretly to a safer location, provided no one inspects their vehicles too closely. If such a purpose is revealed, all said vehicles are well protected.

The Brigade is divided into three kitchen shifts. The Day and Afternoon Shifts each consist of seven people, while the Night Shift has six.   Each Shift is commanded by a Lead Cook, who has the equivalent rank of a Warrant Officer. The Lead Cooks answer to the Head Cook — an equivalent rank to a Chief Warrant Officer — who answers to Dame Flubb. Each Shift also includes at least one literomancer. The Night Shift and the Day Shift, who are assigned at the times that Queen Sable is most likely to be sleeping, include two.   The Head Cook is Bert Lucerne, a dimuniative, dun-furred Bunnykin and Rabbitfolk with a trademark deep voice. Since he has a reputation for being small enough to fall repeatedly into the custard when it's being mixed, most people dismiss him as a slightly dotty member of the cook staff who is indulged because the Mother of Bunnies has a kind heart.  

The Kitchenalia Brigade is usually underestimated and overlooked. This is by design. As a result of their job, however, they are always positioned to be very close to the Bunny Queen and her family, and therefore, on hand in any given threatening situation. If anything, they are more diligent about protecting the Queen and serving her food during wartime than out of it.   When the Mother of Bunnies is threatened, the first tactic of the Brigade will be to get her out of danger. This might involve evacuating Queen Sable from the location, or may involve dealing directly (and violently) with the threat. Failing that, they will fight to the death to protect her, putting their bodies between her and the threat.  

A skillet up the side ya head'll stop even zombies, let me tell you.

— Head Cook Bert Lucerne

KILL IT WITH A SKILLET!

— Unofficial motto of the Kitchenalia Brigade

The Brigade is required to attend training one day a week, maintain their skills at the range, and maintain their physical fitness. Part of their training day includes classes in Bun Fu.

The Brigade has a support staff of 50 people, also carefully screened, who provide logistical support. They are responsible for maintenance and supply. This includes everything from maintaining the vehicles to keeping the kitchen clean, and everything from keeping on top of ammunition to making sure the kitchen and pantry are stocked with gluten and lactose free foods that the Bunny Queen likes to eat.

The Brigade is empowered, under Dame Flubb's authority, to request whatever assistance they might require in the Queen's protection from the Lapin Armed Forces or the Lapin Royal Mounted Police. While they have yet to request an airstrike or an artillery bombardment, in theory, they do have the power to do so. Mostly, they have thus far used their authority only to maintain the Lapin Royal Kitchen in healthy and delicious snacks.

The Kitchenalia Brigade is strictly volunteer, and there is a waiting list to join it. To qualify, one must be a Lapinite citizen, pass a criminal background check, and be able to cook as well as fight. Most Kitchenalia Brigade members are rabbitfolk or Human, but there is no racial or ethnic requirement.   Upon acceptance, which also involves passing a physical and going through Lapin Army boot camp, a recruit to the Brigade swears a solemn oath to the protection of the Bunny Queen.

The Kitchenalia Brigade was originally formed by Dame Flubb before she was part of the Owsla. At the time, she was the Royal Cook, and her strong feelings of gratitude to Sable-rah for welcoming her into the Warren and House Lapin led her to want to do something extra for her queen. Seeing this independent initiative in action was part of what led Owsla Captain James Woodwright to recruit Dame Flubb into the Owsla.   Upon her induction, the Kitchenalia Brigade was slightly restructured, having originally consisted of 12 members, including Dame Flubb. Their training was also adapted for a more official, and professional, security unit, under the watchful eye of Owsla Commander, and security specialist, DM Stretch.   The Brigade was instrumental in Queen Sable's survival during The Great Migration, primarily serving as a support unit to maintain the incredible calorie and electrolyte requirements needed to sustain the level of magic that made protecting migrants in the Tang Portal possible, and preventing Queen Sable and Prinx Tempest from collapsing due to severe Magic Drain. Unfortunately, the Prinx disappeared when the portal collapsed, and is now officially Missing in Action and presumed dead.   The Brigade also actively defended their queen in the Battle of the Tunnels, suffering a 50% casualty rate under the assault of Nite Qween AttorraRu. The survivors went on to defend the Queen during The Battle of Zafforza City and The Battle of Crystal Song.   The Mother of Bunnies survived the war, and all Brigade members were Resurrected when House Chiroptera claimed The Iron Tome.