The Sentient Stand Mixer of House Ailurus
What is a Stand Mixer?
It's kind if what it says on the tin. A stand mixer is an electronic mixer that sits in a stand and mixes things for you. A sturdy stand mixer is the best investment for any home baker who wants to go from “amateur hobbyest” to “still an amateur, but now with less carpal tunnel”.One time, back when I was in my father’s Roadfolk troupe and didn’t have regular access to an oven, I volunteered at a soup kitchen. In return, I was given 2 hours of late night access to their facilities. I looked up a recipe for gingerbread cookies and got all the ingredients, but made the mistake of not reading the instructions ahead of time. I got halfway through when I came to the line “mix for 10 minutes with a stand mixer or hand mixer, slowly incorporating the flour”. I did not have access to either of those things. The dough was too thick to stir with a spoon. Too stubborn to give up, I then proceeded to mix the dough with my actual hands for half an hour until all the flour was mixed in. The next day, my wrists were so sore, not even the gingerbread coyotes I had made could cheer me up.
Stand mixers come in a variety of sizes and levels of heartiness depending on your needs. If most of your baking is low volume projects with light batters, a 2-3 quart model might suit your needs quite nicely. Many small and mid-sized stand mixers come in a tilt-head style, which makes it much easier to tilt back the upper part and swap out paddles. With this kind of stand mixer, you can easily make batches of cake batter, frosting and icing, pie filling, and light cookie doughs.
However, if your primary baking is large batches or dense doughs, you're probably going to want to invest in a larger and sturdier stand mixer. A small or mid-sized model is generally more economical, but the smaller motor means they simply can't handle certain projects. Kneading bread dough, for example, or whipping meringue or whipped cream at high speeds can burn out the motor of a small stand mixer.
Most stand mixers between 5-10 quarts no longer have the head tilt feature. Instead, the bowl is designed to slip under and behind the attachment and snap into place. This makes it more difficult to change the attachment, but the trade-off is stability. These models can handle huge batches of heavy, dense doughs like yeast breads, sourdough, and (Happy's Personal Enemy) gingerbread dough.
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The Sentient Stand Mixer of House Ailurus by New Africa
Lenore
Swiftshadow
Archon The Bard with Many Names
Item type
Tool
Current Location
Owning Organization
Dimensions
An 8 Quart Countertop Bowl-Lift Stand Mixer, 18 inches tall
Accoutrements
Love to play dress up games or make paper dolls? Then swapping out the different mixing tools for your stand mixer might be the funnest part of your baking adventure! Different kinds of tools are used for different projects.Paddle
Stand Mixer Paddle by wirestock
Whisk
Stand Mixer Whisk by prostooleh
Dough Hook
Stand Mixer Dough Hook by arinahabich
Pastry Cutter
Stand Mixer Pastry Cutter by StoryArcs&Subplots + arinahabich
BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!
Did you know that most stand mixers come with the ability to detach the mixer part and swap it out for a large number of non-mixing attachments? Instead of using the motor to spin in a horizontal circle, it spins in a vertical circle and powers the attached tools, which come in three main categories:Knifers
Sometimes cutting things up by hand can get really boring, and dangerous if your knife is dull. But if you have a large amount of slicing and dicing to do, the stand mixer might be able to help! Provided it’s one of these like, very specific tools.Fruit peeler
Half Peeled Apple by pixel-shot.com
Veggie spiralizer
Spiralized Veggies by New Africa
Cheese grater
Spinning Cheese Grater by user15285612
Grinders
Sometimes you just need to take something and turn it into a bunch of smaller pieces of things. If that's your goal, one of these tools may be right for the job:
Mill, for if you want to mill your own flour, I guess (you masochist)
Freshly Milled Grain by magnific
Meat grinder and sausage maker
Sausage Grinder by timolina
Squishers
These attachments use the power of kinetic energy to squish the ever living daylights out of whatever you feed into it. Such as:Pasta!
Fresh Pasta Made on a Stand Mixer by nick7634
More pasta, but like, in a different shape
Fresh Pasta by valeria_aksakova
Ooo you can use the sheet to make ravioli or something!
Fresh Ravioli by agent-lavender
Or fettuccine!
Fresh Fettucine by Pixel-shot.com
Or some… macaroni?
Macaroni by stockking
Or… I'm gonna be real with you guys, this one is mostly just pasta
Stand Mixer with Pasta Attachment by vladibulgakov
No matter your kitchen adventure, a good old reliable stand mixer has got your back.
… except when you accidentally make it sentient.
The Sentient Stand Mixer of House Ailurus
Ailurus didn’t get their reputation for stress baking for nothing. Between emergency war cookies, catering for diplomatic events, and the Werecoyote urge to feed everyone with personally cooked items, the kitchen in the Penwall Treehouse sees a lot of use.And it also sees a lot of Literomantically charged recipes. From Nova's Flyaway Brownies to Foxx's penchant for embedding Glitterbombs into literally everything they can get their hands on, the kitchen gets a lot of Literomantic action, and no tool sees more of it than the stand mixer.
At first, it was little things here and there that seemed like mechanical issues. It would spin too fast or too slow, or take a few seconds too long to start up or shut down. But the day it turned itself on when someone opened the kitchen door, the House knew that they were going to have to deal with this problem sooner rather than later.
The first attempts to communicate with the stand mixer were met with very limited success. It did seem to understand when someone was talking to it, and could answer very simple questions by turning its motor on for “yes” or leaving it off for “no”. But it also got bored easily and would only answer a few questions in a row before turning itself on max speed and splattering whoever was trying to communicate with it.
The first attempts to communicate with the stand mixer were met with very limited success. It did seem to understand when someone was talking to it, and could answer very simple questions by turning its motor on for “yes” or leaving it off for “no”. But it also got bored easily and would only answer a few questions in a row before turning itself on max speed and splattering whoever was trying to communicate with it.
Spinning Stand Mixer by arinahabich
by ShyRedFox
Sir Trashy’s relationship with Bard’s phone ended abruptly and messily while he was a temporary substitute drummer for The Undead Folk Band for part of their April 2026 tour. We’re still not sure how the stand mixer hooked itself up to the WiFi, or how it managed to hack the security cameras and send images of itself in… compromising positions to Sir Trashy. It’s also not clear if the stand mixer knew it was “the other electronic” when the relationship started. What we do know, however, is that Bard’s phone found the images and proceeded to brick itself in protest for the rest of the tour.
This should have been cause for relief, as the stand mixer had gotten very finicky during its relationship with Sir Trashy, but their breakup only exacerbated the problem. If the person attempting to use the stand mixer tried listening to the wrong kind of music while cooking, it would pitch a fit and spit batter all over the counter. Making too small of a batch would annoy it to the point it wouldn’t turn on at all. It would have to be cajoled into making comfort recipes for the hundredth time with promises of interesting brand new recipes to make after.
At this point, most people would have just gotten a new stand mixer, but the bakers of House Ailurus felt a sense of responsibility for their creation. It was their fault the stand mixer became sentient, and they were much better accidental parents than Victor Frankenstein. So instead of getting rid of it, they decided to start their own special cookbook with instructions on how to appease the stand mixer on various baking projects.
Bringing the stand mixer “to the spa” is washing it. NEVER put off washing the stand mixer!!! It will remember!!!
Entries into the Ailurus Baker's Handbook: The Complete Sentient Stand Mixer Edition
These recipes were all donated by members of House Ailurus and will work in any kitchen, even ones without sentient stand mixers!
Lenore's PB&J Cupcakes
(Makes 3 dozen. Note: you can make this recipe for only a dozen cupcakes by dividing in one third, but the stand mixer gets kind of pissy. It’s best to do a minimum of 2 dozen at a time, and 3 is better.)Ingredients:
Strawberry Jam Exact ingredients are not given for this recipe because it relies on ratios based on how many strawberries you have- Fresh strawberries
- Granulated sugar
- Lemon juice
- (Optional) Pectin or cornstarch
Peanut Butter Frosting
- 2 cup unsalted butter, softened to room temperature
- 2 cup peanut butter
- 6 cups powdered sugar
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 2 tablespoons milk
Vanilla Cupcakes
- 3 cup all-purpose flour
- 2 cup granulated sugar
- 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
- 3 teaspoon baking powder
- 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
- 1 1/2 cup unsalted butter, melted
- 3 eggs, room temperature
- 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
- 1 cup Greek yogurt, room temperature
- 1 cup milk or water, warm
Recipe
Part 1: Make the strawberry jamYou can use store-bought jam if you want, but fresh jam will taste better. This is the recipe we prefer. You only need a cup or so for this recipe, but feel free to make a larger batch! Strawberry jam goes on many things.
Keep in mind that if you are using a cornstarch thickener for your jam, the stand mixer will demand a thorough cleaning afterward and refuse to do anything else for the rest of the day, so the jam will have to be made the night before. If you are using pectin or the heat method, you can make it the day of and store it in the fridge to cool while you make the cupcakes.- Dice your strawberries
- Measure how many cups of strawberries you have
- Add half as many cups of granulated sugar as you have of strawberries to a saucepan
- Put two thirds of your cut strawberries into the saucepan and the remaining one third into the stand mixer
- Add a sprinkle of sugar and lemon juice to taste (the juice of 1-3 lemons depending on batch size) to the strawberries in the mixer and set it to mix very slowly. This gives the stand mixer something to do while you cook the jam so it doesn't get jealous. You may need to remind it to be gentle if it gets excited and mixes too quickly
- Add a small amount of water to your saucepan with the strawberries and sugar and turn on the heat, stirring constantly so it doesn't burn on the bottom
- Cook down the strawberries and sugar until the mixture starts to bubble. Here is when you add your optional thickener. For cornstarch, mix a slurry of 1 part cornstarch to 2 parts water and add to the pan. For pectin, add according to package directions
- Boil the mixture for a minimum of 5 minutes to activate the thickeners. Pectin is the most forgiving and only needs to boil for a few minutes. Corn starch must be boiled until the liquid is no longer cloudy, otherwise the mixture will not thicken. If using the heat method and no thickeners, you must verify with a temperature probe that the temperature has reached a minimum of 220F so the sugar and natural pectin in the strawberries will create a gel
- Take the cooked strawberry mixture off the heat and add to the stand mixer
- Mix until combined. This method will leave some whole pieces of strawberry in your jam along with the cooked strawberries
- Move your jam to another container and rest in the fridge until it gels or overnight
- Send the stand mixer to the spa as a thank you for its help
Part 2: Make the Vanilla Cupcakes
You can make any cupcake you like, but here's the recipe we recommend:
- Preheat the oven to 350F
- Line muffin tins with paper liners or grease with oil
- In the stand mixer, add all wet ingredients and start it mixing
- Whisk together the dry ingredients by hand
- Add the dry ingredients to the stand mixer a cup at a time until mixed, but be careful not to overbeat the batter. It’s recommended to listen to some soothing classical music or just turn off the music entirely during this step to prevent the stand mixer from getting too excited
- Scoop the batter into the prepared muffin tins and fill each one about 2/3 full
- Send the stand mixer to the spa after putting the muffin tins in the oven
- Bake at 350F for 15-18 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean
- Set the cupcakes aside to cool
Part 3: Make the Peanut Butter Frosting
While the cupcakes are baking and/or cooling, make the peanut butter frosting.
- Use the stand mixer to cream the peanut butter and butter together
- Slowly add the powdered sugar until all of it has been combined into the mixture
- Add the vanilla, salt, and milk
- Mix gently for several minutes, gradually increasing speed
- Psych the stand mixer up for a final sprint by shouting encouraging slogans at it. This will increase its speed for a final 30 second sprint to beat the mixture into full fluffiness
- Scoop the frosting into a piping bag
- Send the stand mixer to the spa for one final time for all its help during your baking project
Part 4: Assemble the Cupcakes
- Cut a hole in the center of each vanilla cupcake
- Spoon some jam into each cupcake hole
- Pipe the peanut butter frosting onto the cupcakes
- Optional but encouraged: decorate the cupcakes with sprinkles, peanut butter cups, or a drizzle of strawberry sauce on top. Or, if you’re feeling fancy, all three
Part 5: Enjoy the cupcakes! (But remember to leave one on the counter for the stand mixer. We’re not sure if it wants to eat it or just likes looking at it. But they always disappear, one way or another.)
Happy's Raspberry Chocolate Chip Cookies
(Makes 3 dozen. Note: you can subdivide by 3 to make a single dozen of these cookies, but it will be difficult to make in the stand mixer. Not because it's annoyed at small batches this time, but because the bowl is so large that the paddle won't mix the dough correctly if there's too little volume.)Ingredients:
- 2/3 cup (142g) light brown sugar, packed
- 2/3 cup (131g) granulated sugar
- 16 tablespoons (or 2 sticks) unsalted butter, softened
- 3/4 teaspoon table salt
- 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
- 1 teaspoon cider vinegar or white vinegar
- 1 teaspoon baking soda
- 1 large egg
- 2 cups (240g) all-purpose flour
- 2 cups (340g) semisweet chocolate chips
- 1/2 cup raspberry jam bits (or 2/3 cup fresh raspberries, smashed, if you don't have the jam bits)
Recipe
- Preheat the oven to 375F
- Cover 2 baking sheets with parchment paper
- In the stand mixer, cream together the brown sugar, granulated sugar, and softened butter. To get the mixer in the right mood for this task, make sure you play some hard rock or metal music, otherwise it won't spin fast enough. I've found Metallica works best, but you could also use The Killers or even AC/DC in a pinch.
- Once smooth and creamy, mix in the salt, vinegar, and baking soda
- Beat in the egg
- Set the stand mixer to slow speed, then mix in the flour a little at a time
- Take the bowl off the stand mixer to do the mix-ins. It will try to protest, but be strong. Do not give in! The stand mixer is too keyed up from all the creaming. If you let it try to mix in the chocolate chips and raspberry pieces, it will beat them into smithereens
- Add the chocolate chips and raspberry bits by hand, folding in gently
- Using greased hands, roll small balls of cookie dough and place them on the prepared cookie sheets
- Bake for 10-12 minutes or until your preferred level of crispness
- While baking, bring the stand mixer to the spa
- Remove cookies from oven and let cool before eating
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